"RINGTONES"

So you've wrapped up all the crappy mobile phones and put them underthe tree. They all start ringing before Christmas, so everyone knowswhat their presents are. Worse than that, they all play bleeperversions of Eminem and Goons & Poseurs wack. What you need: CD ofringtones to program your chip! Pre-empting the advent of programmablemobile phones, Touch asked lots of artists to make their own idealringtones. There are as many tracks as a CD can deal with encoded here(99) and a wide variation of noises that'll get you odd looks whenRobert Hampson calls to ask in cryptic drone cyphers, "Where the fuckare you?"
Be careful to avoid an embarrassing social faux pas at granny's onBoxing Day by not programming a Swedish actress huskily breathing inmock orgasmic frenzy. More fun when people call you at the bank to thetune of Bruce Gilbert's 'Robbery' or when you're visiting the localvery safe nuclear meltdown reactor and a mini 'Air Raid' siren goes offin your pocket. In the park you could choose to confuse avian andcanine breeds with various bird and dog calls recorded by Chris Watson.Alternatively, you could choose to be awakened by many shades ofelectronic noise, the googling of a baby, a swift blast of EvanParker's transcendent circular sax blowing or the shortest PhillNiblock drone ever recorded. CM von Hausswolff employs someuncomfortable pure tone pitches which could turn a few heads if thephone went off in public spaces as they usually do. The funniestselections have to be the little professor voice that says, "Pay nomore attention to me than if I were a machine, I am not much else!" andLeif Elggren's robotic rasps for help! "Help! Help! Help!" I don'tthink I'd want to hear Gilbert and George discussing buying a vaseevery time someone rang, but there's a lot here to choose from! I findmyself gravitating towards the hooky poptone rhythms of New Order andScala as the noises I'd like to herald happy talk. Actually I'd use'Gob of Spit' by Naked City, which isn't on this. However, I vowed longago never to get a mobile phone as I didn't want to grow an extra head.Now it seems that the mania for these gadgets is causing theregrettable Central African Coltan crisis, which you can find out morefacts on via the Touch website (www.touch.demon.co.uk). MerryChristmas! Put a ringtone in your stocking and sample it all to hell!"The first god knew the evil of the phone!" (MES in garden circa 1983).But the last ringtone alert should go to ghost voice explorer RaymondCass; "Hello everybody on the other side."

 

samples:

• Andreas Karperyd - Accelerate
• Bruce Gilbert - Robbery Airraid
• Mika Vainio - Polar-Tele-Whale-Sounder
• People Like Us - I Know
• Phil Niblock & Guy de Bievre - Tones for Guy
• Scala - Naked